Saturday, May 06, 2006
Standup in the Red States
Comedy in the Red States
Got off the plane in Springfield, Missouri, a bit nauseous. You know the plane is going to be small when the pre-boarding announcement is: “You might want to use the bathroom at the gate.” I had an aisle seat AND a window seat. The captain flew the plane and served drinks. Scary.
I arrived, jumped into my Budget rental car and got directions to Ozark Beach. Weird going to a beach in the Midwest. Sort of like Death Valley Ski resort. But I guess there’s a lake at the Tan-Tar-A Resort, where I’ve been hired to give a funny closing keynote for an association of Missouri Bankers.
I love driving to a gig. It gives me a chance to soak in the local culture and figure out what jokes I can do and what I should cut.
Just passed an ad for Andy Williams who’s doing a show with Petula Clark. Wow, I didn’t know they were alive. The next billboard for Yahov Smirnoff’s show, “What a country!” His billboard is snazzy, with some sort of spinning lights and Yahov in a big purple turban and right after that a billboard for a Red Skelton revival. I had no idea that after Vegas stops booking you, there’s always Missouri.
This is not going to be exactly a hip crowd. I’m thinking that I might not be in touch with Missouri reality. Maybe I should change the references in my act. Maybe I should change the joke about Three Six Mafia “It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp” to “That’s Why the Lady is a Tramp.” And “What’s up with Frank Sinatra!”
I’ve been driving for an hour and it’s totally flat. Not a hill in sight. OK, there goes all references to mountain biking and I’ve got to let go of that hysterical story about going down a black diamond ski run. And there are no buildings. The tallest building is a Dunkin Donuts. So I can’t do my “Working in a High Rise” office building routine. That’s gone.
I’m now out in the country and passing a lot of farms where people seem to be growing things that I buy at Gelsons. Oh, if only I had some sod jokes. Now, I’m passing a lot of cattle. “Got milk?” That’s something I know. Oh, I’m not feeling so good!
I’ve passed now at least 15 churches. Not one synagogue. “Growing up Jewish” jokes are all out. And my “Gay chunk” is cut. This is weird about not being about to talk about gay stuff because on the plane I was sitting next to the two gayest straight guys. They talked to me about cooking, decorating, used the word “fabulous” as much as a West Hollywood queen and then showed me pictures of their wives and kids. In the Midwest even the gay people are straight. And at the airport, I’ve never seen so many lesbians with husbands. The gay chunk is definitely cut.
I’ve been on the road for two hours. I’ve seen a lot, but there seems to be something missing from the landscape – black people. This will definitely be one of those Caucasian gigs. So much for my routine on my black lesbian lover.
Now I’ve just passed my 4th RV park. Trailer parks. Maybe a joke about: Why do trailers have wheels when nobody goes anywhere. I’m desperate.
15 minutes away and I just passed the Evangelist Center. I better not mention nipples -- matter of fact, I think I'll take them off.
I’ve arrived. It’s 11 pm and the gig is tomorrow morning. I have to do an hour. I have nothing. What am I going to do? How am I going to relate to people who come from such a different culture?
Stay tuned.
Got off the plane in Springfield, Missouri, a bit nauseous. You know the plane is going to be small when the pre-boarding announcement is: “You might want to use the bathroom at the gate.” I had an aisle seat AND a window seat. The captain flew the plane and served drinks. Scary.
I arrived, jumped into my Budget rental car and got directions to Ozark Beach. Weird going to a beach in the Midwest. Sort of like Death Valley Ski resort. But I guess there’s a lake at the Tan-Tar-A Resort, where I’ve been hired to give a funny closing keynote for an association of Missouri Bankers.
I love driving to a gig. It gives me a chance to soak in the local culture and figure out what jokes I can do and what I should cut.
Just passed an ad for Andy Williams who’s doing a show with Petula Clark. Wow, I didn’t know they were alive. The next billboard for Yahov Smirnoff’s show, “What a country!” His billboard is snazzy, with some sort of spinning lights and Yahov in a big purple turban and right after that a billboard for a Red Skelton revival. I had no idea that after Vegas stops booking you, there’s always Missouri.
This is not going to be exactly a hip crowd. I’m thinking that I might not be in touch with Missouri reality. Maybe I should change the references in my act. Maybe I should change the joke about Three Six Mafia “It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp” to “That’s Why the Lady is a Tramp.” And “What’s up with Frank Sinatra!”
I’ve been driving for an hour and it’s totally flat. Not a hill in sight. OK, there goes all references to mountain biking and I’ve got to let go of that hysterical story about going down a black diamond ski run. And there are no buildings. The tallest building is a Dunkin Donuts. So I can’t do my “Working in a High Rise” office building routine. That’s gone.
I’m now out in the country and passing a lot of farms where people seem to be growing things that I buy at Gelsons. Oh, if only I had some sod jokes. Now, I’m passing a lot of cattle. “Got milk?” That’s something I know. Oh, I’m not feeling so good!
I’ve passed now at least 15 churches. Not one synagogue. “Growing up Jewish” jokes are all out. And my “Gay chunk” is cut. This is weird about not being about to talk about gay stuff because on the plane I was sitting next to the two gayest straight guys. They talked to me about cooking, decorating, used the word “fabulous” as much as a West Hollywood queen and then showed me pictures of their wives and kids. In the Midwest even the gay people are straight. And at the airport, I’ve never seen so many lesbians with husbands. The gay chunk is definitely cut.
I’ve been on the road for two hours. I’ve seen a lot, but there seems to be something missing from the landscape – black people. This will definitely be one of those Caucasian gigs. So much for my routine on my black lesbian lover.
Now I’ve just passed my 4th RV park. Trailer parks. Maybe a joke about: Why do trailers have wheels when nobody goes anywhere. I’m desperate.
15 minutes away and I just passed the Evangelist Center. I better not mention nipples -- matter of fact, I think I'll take them off.
I’ve arrived. It’s 11 pm and the gig is tomorrow morning. I have to do an hour. I have nothing. What am I going to do? How am I going to relate to people who come from such a different culture?
Stay tuned.
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Hey Judy,
Oh My God!! That is so funny. I think when you get back to California you should use everything you just typed.
I hope it went well and can't wait to hear.
Want-a-be Comedian
Oh My God!! That is so funny. I think when you get back to California you should use everything you just typed.
I hope it went well and can't wait to hear.
Want-a-be Comedian
Judy,
first of all i cant believe i can actually get in contact with u one way or another. i wanna have a career in stand up and i just bought two of your books (the comedy bible and the stand up comedy book). it honestly feels like youre talkin directly to me. im sure youve heard that a million times. its kinda like what i hear every day at work. im a waiter and anytime i ask someone "can i get you anything else?" they say "yeah a million dollars." HAHAHA. friggin hilarious. did u just think that up all on ur own? i hope they all die choke on their overdone steaks and end up in hell, where they would ironically be waiting tables for eternity. im rambling. my ultimate goal is to be a cast member on SNL and i WILL NOT stop trying until i get there. i would like you to know you have given me the confidence (and mechanics) to attempt my dream. thanx judy, youre my hero.
Jonathan "Erkel" Erkel
first of all i cant believe i can actually get in contact with u one way or another. i wanna have a career in stand up and i just bought two of your books (the comedy bible and the stand up comedy book). it honestly feels like youre talkin directly to me. im sure youve heard that a million times. its kinda like what i hear every day at work. im a waiter and anytime i ask someone "can i get you anything else?" they say "yeah a million dollars." HAHAHA. friggin hilarious. did u just think that up all on ur own? i hope they all die choke on their overdone steaks and end up in hell, where they would ironically be waiting tables for eternity. im rambling. my ultimate goal is to be a cast member on SNL and i WILL NOT stop trying until i get there. i would like you to know you have given me the confidence (and mechanics) to attempt my dream. thanx judy, youre my hero.
Jonathan "Erkel" Erkel
Judy- Judy- Judy (that southern ref. might have worked, but you're not a hack). I always appreciate your insights and even more when they're about the real feelings we all have doing this work. Plus adding Yakov to anything always makes it a refreshing delight! Proud to know ya...even if it took me three days to figure out how to post to a blog. wtf?! Dan
Judy,
I think I'd just like to advise you to retain a healthy respect for the Missori people's intellect...don't laugh. I know there's hope. I was born in Springfield and lived in a trailer until age eight, when we moved to...Kansas, where we raised cattle.
Anyway, you'd never know it because I am a healthy, intelligent and progressive stand-up comedian now (after a few years in Chicago, etc.). You have to believe in them...I think that's the best way to win them over.
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I think I'd just like to advise you to retain a healthy respect for the Missori people's intellect...don't laugh. I know there's hope. I was born in Springfield and lived in a trailer until age eight, when we moved to...Kansas, where we raised cattle.
Anyway, you'd never know it because I am a healthy, intelligent and progressive stand-up comedian now (after a few years in Chicago, etc.). You have to believe in them...I think that's the best way to win them over.
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